My First Birth Story

It’s taken me a really long to write out my birth story. So many mothers have beautiful stories of how their children entered this world, some have tragic stories, and then there are those somewhere in the middle. I’m one of those in the middle ones, and then feel guilty for how traumatic it felt for me because it could’ve been so much worse. Then I remember that all feelings and experiences are valid. Yes, I know it could have been worse and in the grand scheme of things it ‘wasn’t that bad,’ but I still felt the way I felt and it impacted me the way it did. So here I am, 2.5 years later finally writing out the story of how I birthed my daughter as I prepare for the birth of my second child this fall.  

I spent most of my pregnancy working out, staying as ‘fit’ as I could and attending birthing and parenting classes. So, I was nowhere near prepared for the possibility of what could and would eventually happen. I thought (and was told), ‘you’re so active, you’ll have an easy labor and delivery, and you’ll bounce right back.’  When neither of those things happened, it was really challenging for me and only after going through the P&PA coach course was I able to fully understand the fitness culture and how it relates to pregnancy and postpartum athleticism in today’s society. 

At the end of my pregnancy, I was entering my fifth year as a school psychologist in a middle school. My district required me to work basically until I went into labor and I was due August 22nd, just a few days after the start of the school year. So, you can imagine the looks I got from students and staff when I came to school for a few days literally about to pop!  

Saturday morning, August 18th, I woke up with contractions around 4:00am. They were pretty consistent, but far apart, so I just monitored them at home. By the afternoon, they were stronger and more consistent, so we got our stuff and headed to the hospital. They took me to triage and told me I was only dilated 1 cm. The nurses told me to walk around for an hour and they would reassess me after that to see if I had made any progress. At this point, walking was fine, I was able to talk through my contractions and truthfully, if I knew then what I knew now, I would not have gone to the hospital. So, we were discharged and went home.

Fast forward to that night, and my contractions had intensified, and I couldn’t talk through them anymore.  I couldn’t sleep for more than 5-10 minutes at a time and my contractions were coming on much stronger. I was really, really miserable.  So, we went back to the hospital that night to see if they would admit me. 

They took me into a L&D room and checked me again. No progress. Still only 1 cm. I cried. There’s no way I was in that much pain and hadn’t made any progress in so many hours. I tried to walk around for another hour or so, in much more pain that the first time. The hospitalist came in and gave me some morphine so I could get some pain relief and I was finally able to sleep for a little bit. Then the on-call doctor (who I had never met) came in to assess me and told me that the likelihood of ending up in a C-section is increased exponentially if I’m admitted being only dilated to a 1 cm and since she didn’t know me, she couldn’t in good faith admit me. 

Then she said the words I will never ever forget- “Come back when it hurts.”

You’d think that a L&D doctor would have more empathy to a first-time mother who was clearly in an incredible amount of pain, right? 

So, were discharged again. At this point, it had been 24 hours of contractions increasing in intensity. My husband and my mom alternated as much as they could being with me all night as I labored. (I needed someone to be rested and sane!) We spent time in our backyard pool, in the shower, everything I could think of to progress labor and make something else happen. Sunday, I spent hours leaned over the toilet alternating between vomiting and having contractions, sometimes at the same time. I couldn’t eat or drink. I remember my mom going to the store to get me some Gatorade and she left me in the kitchen with a glass of raspberry Emergen-C (which I hate) to give me some nutrients since I hadn’t really slept much or eaten in 24 hours. I’ll never be able to drink that again!  

I knew/was scared that if I went back to the hospital before my water broke, that I would be disappointed and shamed and sent home again. So, I pushed on throughout the day and again through Sunday night. The thoughts of, ‘I can’t do this. Is it worth it?’ went through my head and my mouth so many times. It was excruciating. 

Monday morning, at 7:59am I had my doctor’s office dialed on my phone to call them promptly at 8:00am when they opened. As soon as the nurse heard me, she told me to go to the hospital & that they would be waiting for me. 

I was finally admitted Monday morning. The nurses checked me. Still nothing. 1 cm. After 48 hours of this pain. I immediately requested an epidural and was able to sleep after it kicked in. I knew I would need the rest to get this baby out. 

They connected me to monitors to measure the intensity of my contractions and told me that my contractions were in fact really strong and they didn’t know why I wasn’t making any progress. I’ve always known I had a low pain tolerance, so hearing them tell me my pain was real (after being told it wasn’t Saturday night) was validating. My doctor broke my water and throughout the day the nurses came in to adjust me, check me and see how things were progressing. 

By midnight or so, I had made it to 8 cm. What a relief! Then the doctors noticed meconium in my amniotic fluid. Meconium is the baby’s first bowel movement, which is not a good sign. My husband and I decided to do an internal fetal monitor before moving forward with a C-section since my water had been broken for so long already. Just before 4:00am, the doctor and nurses came in and said they needed to prep me for a C-section because my baby girl’s heartrate was really high and would increase when my contractions came around. 

At that point, even though I knew it was inevitable and honestly, I just needed my baby girl to be safe- I was terrified. They prepped me, took me into the OR alone to do what they needed to do and then my husband was allowed in. I don’t remember much about the OR. I don’t remember her first cry, when my husband cut the cord, what music played, what the doctors were talking about or anything. I just remember asking if she was okay and shaking uncontrollably, which I later learned is incredibly common. 

Things after that were a blur for the next few hours. I was wheeled into recovery alone and had to wait for my daughter and husband to be brought to me. Definitely not how I pictured my first hours of being a mother. 

All in all, my daughter was born at 4:40am on Tuesday August 21st, 2018 after 72 hours of labor. She was bruised up, had a fever of 102, and had the most hair of any baby I’ve ever seen. Ultimately, they said that I wasn’t making progress because she was ‘sunny-side up’ and her angled chin was preventing her from descending into the birth canal on her own. 

I will forever be thankful to the nurses who truly cared for me during my hospital stay, my husband and mother for physically being there for me, for family and friends who continuously checked in throughout the weekend and for friends who helped let my dogs out, brought food, visited, and just listened. 

While it is not the birth story I ever would have imagined, it has absolutely prepared me more for baby #2 this fall just simply by knowing what questions to ask and how to advocate for myself. While I don’t know if I will have a repeat C-section or attempt a trial of labor, I know that how a baby is brought into this world is not the most important thing.

I am a mother. I have a beautiful, smart, wild and independent two-year-old daughter. One day I’ll tell her that when I was in labor, I was so lost and confused and in the midst of excruciating pain, I didn’t know if it was worth it. I’ll also tell her that she was worth every single hour. She’s the very best part of my life.